You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
