as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
