i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
