the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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