All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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