id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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