after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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