Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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