my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
