butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
