Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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