You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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