she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
