I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
