I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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