Im at strip club and am horny
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
