My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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