why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
