you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
