is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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