My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
