dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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