living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
