I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
