So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
