i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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