He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
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Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
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He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dear god my vagina.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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