I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
