The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
