haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
