my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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