hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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