I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
