I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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