take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
