life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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