I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
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Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
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It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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