her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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