I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
