He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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