Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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