I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
