What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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