I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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