Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
