And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
the raccoons are back...
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