Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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