I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
FUCK WHALES
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