You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
