Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
