I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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