He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just had sex on a roof
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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