Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
