I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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